Mania day

Today is one of those days I should probably be in a cave, alone and silent.
I'm exhausted from the internal fight of dark evil thoughts and then instant remorse and critical analysis of why I can't stop the thoughts.
So much so that simple daily conversation with the hubby and grandgirls was and is near to impossible. Oh you wanna talk, here let me leave the room kinda day.
More bad news today on top of an already stretched thin stress level and no relief in sight. I know I'm needed, I know why I just know if I can do it much longer without a full blown manic episode, where I blow up scream at everyone say stupid shit and pissed everyone off only solidifying the already suspicions I'm certifiably insane.
I've so far avoided or suppressed the outbursts and violent behavior with only a couple f bombs slipping out but I just don't know if I can much longer.
This weekend our youngest turns 21. I'm happy for her, she's a good girl and I want her to have fun but then the oldest is going to partake in the drinking as well. No big deal right? Well she has been sick and unable to care for our grandkids most of this year. She is a alcoholic and her drinking has been a big contributor to her illness. If she drinks this weekend she will surely be sick the next 3 days. The hubby goes into surgery for a heart valve replacement and annurism removal probably during these sick days. The grandgirls need me, the hubby needs me. Meanwhile we are so fucking broke I can't even begin to tell you.
And I won't because I'm whining, and I hate whiners !
All the best advise on getting through life's hurdles says to talk about it, vent, confide in someone. I can't even do that in my mind without thinking what a pitiful puke pit of discusting I sound like.
I'm rambling.
I hate myself.

The Lowdown.

The Lowdown.
I am a woman, looking at 50 very soon. A mother of 5, grandmother of 7. I care for 3 of the grandchildren full time and 2 of the part time. I get paid a little for caring for one because she is disabled, which is kind of a oxymoron because she is the best of all of them.
Bored yet?
I've been bipolar for as long as I can remember which has had its pros and cons throughout my life as I plan to share as I write more and more.
I live a life that has become more everyone else's life than mine due to family obligations. I keep the majority of my thoughts and feeings to myself for many reasons but decided to try this blog thing as a method of self treatment.
The latest of a lifelong devotion to self therapy.
 I'm stressed, depressed and feel insignificant, taken advantage of and guilty all the time now. And, not medicated.
You've been warned.
I don't have much alone time so my posts may be spiratic.
Again, you've been warned.